


Not Quite Broken

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge AUs [27]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Badass Poe Dameron, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Evil Snoke, Gay Poe Dameron, Healing, Injury, Injury Recovery, Knights of the old republic references, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, POV Kylo Ren, POV Poe Dameron, Past Abuse, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Perfectionism, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe searches for Kylo, Possible eating disordered behavior, Protective Poe Dameron, Scarification, Scars, Snoke Being a Dick, Survivor Guilt, Torture, WIP number one billion without a doubt, non-TLJ compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-16 22:25:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12351777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: What would happen if Poe learned the truth about the massacre at Yavin IV?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: This is an AU of the last chapter of The Broken Edge. It was an idea that just came to me and I thought it was an interesting idea.

"Should we tell him?" Luke says. 

"It's going to break his heart without a doubt. He loves Ben." Leia, this time. 

"Which is probably why he has to be told." Alora's voice, soft, gentle. "Question is, how? Something like this...if it had been you, Luke, I don't know how I would have taken it."

And on the opposite side of the wall, around a corner, Poe Dameron can only listen, wondering what exactly they're talking about. He's up because he can't sleep, because he's thinking of looking for Ben, replaying the massacre in his head. Replaying the last thing that Ben said to him. 

 _I won't be long._  

Except Ben is apparently dead. Unless...

Did something happen to him? Poe doesn't want to think about it. 

"What are we going to do with him?" Leia, this time. 

"There is still Light in him, Leia," Luke says. "I know it. When we were out in the fields, I know he hated killing all these people. All these beings. If there's a chance to save him..."

Poe already feels like he's been struck in the chest. Ben was the one who committed that massacre. Ben. All these innocents, and Ben killed them.

And he's still out there. Unless Luke's in denial, he's still alive. And Poe has to find him. To save him. 

He can't stop until he finds Ben. Otherwise...

Otherwise, it would just be endangering the rest of the galaxy. He has to bring Ben home. No matter how difficult, no matter how far, he has to bring Ben home. 


	2. Venturing Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets his first clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Night in Poe's X-wingis relatively quiet. The only company he has is BB-8, who currently is powered off for the night. Of course, knowing BB-8, he isn't just resting. He's just taking a short break before jolting back into action again. 

Poe envies him. He can't sleep even an inch. The nightmares have been getting worse, and his bond with Ben is faint, so he can't sense where Ben is. Of course, he's not Force sensitive, he doesn't know how to locate Ben. And anyone who can teach him about that is in hiding. 

So he goes out on his own. He doesn't want to kill Ben. He can't bear the idea of doing it. Leia suggested the possibility that they'd have to do it, and yet Poe can't do it. It's all too horrible to even consider. Playing a role in killing his own husband...

The Holonet crackles, and more news comes through. "...the Naboo archives were raided today in a bizarre turn of events; there is no clear answer as to what the First Order was after, but bits from the Senator Amidala museum were missing..."

Poe at least knows where to go now. And he's more than ready, at least to try and pick up the pieces of where Ben's gone.


	3. Purge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo meets with the Supreme Leader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

There is something about Snoke's throne room that reminds Kylo Ren of a red dawn. Everything about it, or just about everything about it, is red. It's enough to make Kylo feel as if he's in a whole sea of red. Before the Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren kneels, and he feels small in the Supreme Leader's presence. 

The Supreme Leader is practically towering over him, looking down at him with eyes that seem to dissect. Then, "Well, Kylo Ren, what news do you bring?"

"The archives are now in the hands of the First Order, Supreme Leader."

"Good. They should be most useful." The Supreme Leader's voice is a rumble all the while, a triumphant sort of rumble. Then, a rumble of caution. "Kylo Ren...you are in danger. There is a disturbance in the Force. There is a pilot looking for you...your mate, Poe Dameron."

Poe. After Kylo thought that Luke had good as separated them, it turns out that Poe Dameron is coming to find him. Perhaps there's the opportunity to reunite with him. To explain everything to him. 

But he keeps his feelings to himself, tries to mask them the best he can, and he says, "My loyalty is only to you, Supreme Leader -- I assure you."

"We can hope. Your feelings betray you." The Supreme Leader's rumble becomes menacing. "You think that you can sway him to see things your way? He has infantile ideas of right and wrong. You may have no choice but to kill him."

Kill him. Even the idea is something that Kylo Ren can't bear. 

"The bond between two _ava_  is not easily broken, is it? But you may have to kill him. As long as he lives, he is a threat to us."

"If he could be turned -- "

"He cannot be. Tell me, Kylo Ren -- do you have the strength to do what must be done?"

"If I must." And yet Kylo Ren doubts he's ever felt more lost. 

"We shall see," says the Supreme Leader. "We shall see."

It's back in his quarters that Kylo Ren vents his frustration -- cleaving through equipment, slicing, dicing, venting not only his frustration but his conflict. What he did occasionally has become a part of him now -- tantrums some call them. Kylo thinks of them like purging, purging his rage, his craving, his hatred towards Luke for separating him and Poe. He slices, dices, suppresses screams...

And finally, he's done. After the purging, after the tantrum, he feels an eerie sort of calm. The anger is out of him, for now -- though it will come back. He will have to either kill Poe, or have him for his own. 

In his mind, Kylo sees Poe gently kissing the snout of his mask, looking in amazement out the window at the stars, all they own, having Poe in his arms. He sees all of this, and prays they can be a reality. 

 


	4. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo heads to Naboo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

When the Supreme Leader senses Poe Dameron on Naboo, he of course orders Kylo Ren to go after him. And of course Kylo Ren obeys, thinking of how he has to either kill Poe Dameron or keep him as his own. 

In his mind, he sees Poe, on Yavin, feels the fullness of his lips under his thumb, the softness of them, and he longs to feel that softness again. Maybe he can feel that softness under his own lips --

No. He can't afford it. He wants this bliss. And yet, even settling back as he heads into hyperspace on Naboo, he knows he must resist it with all he has. Such things are of the Light, and the Light has no place here. 

Hyperspace takes a long while, and Kylo Ren is alone with his thoughts. He has to admit that he hates those moments. The loneliness, the empty silence that fills his thoughts. And from there, the Light, beckoning to him, coaxing him to give in.

He turned his back on the Light long ago. Those thoughts have no place here. 

The loneliness, the yearning, surrounds him even as he sits in the meditation room on his personal shuttle, and he can't keep it at bay. 

***

It's dawn when Poe hears the sound of blasterfire, and when he goes to investigate, he sees the stormtroopers on the ground, forcing innocent civilians away, pointing blasters at them. Poe takes out his blaster and starts shooting, because he will be damned if he actually allows any stormtrooper to hurt anyone else. 

So help him, he won't. 

Stormtroopers fall, and one of the civilians looks at Poe. "You've got to get out of here. _He's_  coming back, no doubt."

"Then I'll do everything I can to defend you," Poe says. If he can do that and save Ben at the same time, it's worth it. 

As Poe heads out, shooting the occasional stormtrooper, he remembers one story that Ben loved as a child. The story of Revan and Bastila. Poe, in this moment, knows that Ben is his Bastila. True, Ben has curly hair instead of pigtails and his lightsaber has a cross on it instead of a double-blade, but they are similar.  Gifted. Troubled. Beautiful. Headstrong. And Poe is no former Sith Lord who used to have a whole fleet at his disposal -- indeed, he is just a man -- but he would give everything to save Ben. 

The shuttle lands on the ground, and Kylo Ren himself steps out. And Poe freezes. He's seen glimpses of him on the Holonet, but now he sees him, what his husband has become. 

Still, he can't afford to be afraid. 

Kylo Ren turns to look at him. Poe arranges himself to stand up straight, and reminds himself to be strong no matter what. To be brave. Even staring into the mask with its cold, dead facsimiles of eyes, Poe fancies himself that he can see Ben's eyes behind them, the too-expressive brown eyes that said so much about his too-expressive husband. 

The mask scares him. Vader's mask was bad enough, but at least you knew what you were looking at. This...this can't be anything close to any sort of sentient face. But Poe, even as Ren approaches, steels himself. Maybe he can think of some good jokes about the mask while he's at it. 

Ren approaches, and Poe can feel those cold, lifeless eyes dissecting him. Focusing on the fact it's been six months since Poe initially left, and now they're face to face. 

They stand opposite each other, reunited for the first time in six months, and Poe can only hope that he can save Ben from himself. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Poe duel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: Sorry this is so late -- let's say I wasn't feeling well yesterday (still am not feeling well) and didn't update. Hopefully this is still good.

"You've grown a beard," Kylo Ren says. "It suits you."

They're standing together, the others huddling away from the stormtroopers in fear. Poe can't say that he blames them. And even as Kylo speaks, he reaches up to his chin -- has he grown that much facial hair in that amount of time? He's changed, definitely. He knows that much.

"You don't need the mask," Poe says.

"Things," says Kylo Ren, "Change."

That hurts to think about. More than hurts, actually. He can all but feel Ben's thoughts bearing down on his own like a tidal wave

_SAVE ME_

_TAKE IT AWAY_

_HELP ME_

and his heart aches.

"They don't have to," he says.

Kylo Ren tilts his head. "You came this far. To find me?" He sounds surprised. Like he didn't think anyone would come for him.

Poe vows that when he catches up with Snoke, he'll kill him.

"Yes. Ben...I know what you did. But I know that there's hope for you." Poe thinks back to when Luke said that he hated doing what he did. Thinks back to the last time they saw each other. "I love you. Stars, after all this time, I still love you. I know there's a part of you that's still good. That still believes in compassion, and truth, and good in the galaxy. I know it's still there, Ben."

He wants to reach out and touch Ben in that moment. He knows he can't. It's like the armor and the mask is an invisible wall between them. Maybe it's symbolic. Nobody gets in.

"It's too late."

"No. It's not. Come with me. We don't even have to go back to the Resistance, just get away from Snoke. He's hurting you. I know it."

"The Supreme Leader is wise."

Poe stares at him. "He teach you that? He tell you all this, all of it? A bit of ego-stroking for him?"

"How dare you -- "

"It's the truth, Ben. He's not wise. He's not strong. Maybe he fed you all those lies just to make himself look better, but it's not true. Please, Ben. Angel. Come home."

The lightsaber trembles in Kylo Ren's hand before igniting, and Poe's heart breaks. Ben never would have taken up a lightsaber against him. Never.

"I can't," Kylo Ren says. His voice goes quiet, softer. His eyes are cold and black and emotionless, but his voice says volumes. "The Supreme Leader sent me to kill you. You can run, if you need to. Run away. Far away. You need not die."

Poe draws his vibroblade. "I'm sorry, Ben."

He wonders what it says about them both. In this moment where the galaxy briefly comes to a pause, the two of them drawing weapons on each other.

Poe mostly has to act on instinct. Ducking beneath swings. It's less a duel and more of a fight for basic survival, against someone he still loves. He ducks, managing to nick Kylo Ren on the shoulder, and he wishes that didn't have to happen.

"You're strong," Ben says. "You've been practicing. I have to say I'm impressed; not many have held up that long carrying one of those crude weapons."

"You might..." Poe grits his teeth. "You might want to rethink your technique."

Kylo Ren looks like the angel that Poe occasionally refers to him as, bearing down on Poe, his swipes getting more aggressive. Even fighting against the man he still loves, Poe wonders how much longer he can take. He still gets in some blows, but in the end, he is only sentient. Even he can't hold out much longer. 

"Come with me," Kylo says. "I can teach you so much. Think of all we could do...together."

"I can't do it with you," Poe says. "The First Order -- "

" -- is bringing justice to the galaxy. Order. Everything the Republic never could."

"You're just setting yourself up to repeat what the Empire did."

"We are much stronger than the Empire."

"You're not. You're doing what the Empire did. And that's where you're going to fail." Poe looks at him, earnestly. "Tyranny doesn't last forever."

Their weapons clash, and Poe realizes something that gives him hope. The vibroblade...it disrupts lightsabers. Even as it sweeps through, Poe gets a lucky hit, and the lightsaber blade shatters. 

Even as the blade shatters, Poe watches as Kylo Ren falls to the ground. He's not dead, he knows even as he checks for a pulse. Badly wounded, but not dead. Even as the crowd parts, looking at him in astonishment, Poe can already feel their scrutiny. Their judgment. How could this man be Kylo Ren's husband, their whispers say. Is he going to turn on us next?

Poe won't. Right now, he needs a medic. Anyone who's willing to treat Kylo Ren...which will not be an easy task to find. 

 


	6. Uncertain Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Poe hash it out on the medical frigate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

When Kylo Ren wakes, he's on a ship. He knows that much. The question is what kind. It's then that he sees Poe Dameron on the opposite side of the medical bay, and he remembers. The vibroblade going through his already unstable lightsaber. And so much more. He can already feel the sting of humiliation -- not at the fact that his husband defeated him, but the fact that his lightsaber was shattered so easily.

"Where am I?" he says.

"You're on a medical frigate. They're treating both of us. I'm sorry, Ben. I didn't want to fight you."

"Of course not. You're too soft, aren't you?" Kylo is still going to keep up his defiance. "Too weak."

"I couldn't hurt you." Then, "Why did you do all this, Ben? All of it. You could have turned back. You didn't...have to choose the Dark Side..."

And yet he had. Because he didn't belong. Because it was the right thing to do. Because of so many things. 

"It was the right thing to do."

"Even after everything Snoke did?"

"He wouldn't have done it unless it was -- "

"It wasn't necessary, Ben."

Silence.

"It's too late to save me."

"It's not. Ben...do you remember the story of Revan and Bastila?"

"I do," Kylo says. "Bastila could have been great. She could have been strong, truly liberated from the Jedi. Instead, she surrendered to weakness and sentiment. Revan could have also been strong, and instead, he fled."

"That's not the point of the story and you know it." Poe says. "They loved each other. Even after what Bastila did, Revan loved her. And..." Poe wets his lips. "You are my Bastila. Because even after everything you've done, I love you."

"You shouldn't -- "

"I might not have a massive fleet at my disposal or a grand plan," Poe says, "And I'm glad for it. But I love you, Ben. I don't have much to give you other than that. I love you."

He sounds so earnest. Long ago, Kylo would have crawled on hands and knees for him, and he knows it. Would have given everything for him. And yet the truth is, Poe would have given everything for him in turn as well.

But how can he save him?

How can love save him from this sea of pain he is all but drowning in?

Kylo feels the first hint of tears on his face. It figures that Poe see him. Crying, pathetic. If Vader were in his position, he would be fighting back, turning those tables...maybe Kylo is just too pathetic for it as always. Too emotional. Too soft. 

"Ben?"

"I'm being torn apart," Kylo finally says. "I want to be free of this pain. I know what I must do but I haven't the strength to do it. I am...stars, I am weak. I must be!"

"You're not."

"I love you. But how is love going to save me after all I've done?"

"You don't even have to go back to the Resistance. Just come away with me."

"The Supreme Leader will find me."

"He doesn't have to. Ben...he doesn't have to find us. When this is all over, he won't have to find us."

And for a moment, Kylo can see it. Themselves, living on a planet under different names no doubt, happy, free from everything that's happened to them. It's a possibility that he's craving to be real, and yet...is it possible, at all? 

Could it ever be?

"I don't know what will happen next," Kylo says. "I only know that no matter what happens, I can't kill you. The Supreme Leader wanted me to, but I never could."

"See?" Poe says. "You can stop at any time."

"What will happen to me?"

"I don't know," Poe says. "But I'll do what I can to help you no matter what."

 

 


	7. Damage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe uncovers an unsettling truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: Warning for injury description.

The medical frigate seems to be terribly lonely for the days that they're on it, Poe can't help but think. All they have is the other, and Poe trying to save Ben from himself. According to the medic, Ben's got scars all over his body from Snoke's training. A whip scar here, a burn scar here. And the more that Poe hears the details, the more he hates Snoke, white-hot hatred that burns in his body. It's the sort of hatred that makes him wonder what Snoke would look like while he's choking. Poe doesn't have Force powers, just his bare hands, but he can imagine what it's like, having his hands around Snoke's neck. 

It would be perfect. Exactly what Snoke deserves. 

"How could he have done this to you?" Poe says. 

"It was part of my training," Ben says. "All of it."

"That was part of your training?" Poe can't believe it. All of it, part of Ben's training? How can that be? How can all this cruelty have been part of Ben's training? How could any "teacher" be so cruel?

Poe can't picture it. Not in the slightest. All of it is so terrible and so very wrong. 

Ben is quiet for a while. Then, "It was practice. One of the Supreme Leader's Praetorian guards...caught me with a whip. That was just one of my injuries."

"Ben..."

Poe longs to hold him. To kiss him, to caress his scars. He doesn't know if Ben will let him, of course. If Ben will be open to it. 

"I don't want your pity," Ben says, rather curtly. 

"It's not pity. I love you, Ben." And seeing Ben with those scars, saying he doesn't want pity...it hurts. It hurts a lot. Hurts that Ben thinks that it's just pity, hurts that Ben was injured in the first place. It all hurts. 

He gets off his own bed. "Do you mind? If I snuggle with you?"

Ben pauses. Then, "I don't want to be alone."

Poe snuggles with him, tracing his scars. Ben is worryingly thin, he can't help but notice. He can feel bones, like his skin is just a thin layer against bone. 

"What did he do to you?" Poe says softly. "Ben..."

"As much as he had to."

"He didn't -- "

"He did," Ben says. 

They drift off, Poe's arm around him, and Poe feels a strange sort of peace that he hasn't felt in a long while. It's an odd sort of peace, holding a Knight of Ren in your arms, but here he is. They drift off, Poe holding him, and for the moment they are at peace. 

 

 

 


	8. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kylo comes to grips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: Trigger warning for possible disordered eating/disturbing thoughts about it. Also body image issues.

It doesn't make a difference in space if it's morning or night. Not really. Even as he stirs, Poe can feel Ben's body, too thin, muscle and bone, against him. It's oddly comforting, he can't help but think -- he's missed the feel of Ben's body against him, listening to him breathe. Back before Ben's fall, Poe always slept better in his company. 

Now he's with Poe. They're both not home -- they can't call this medical frigate home -- but they can at least be together. 

Together. Even after all that happened...

Ben stirs. He turns to look at Poe. "It's dark here," he says. 

"It always is," Poe says. He swallows. "How do you feel?"

"Never better," Ben says wryly, and Poe smiles. At least Ben's sense of humor is still intact. One of many things that Snoke couldn't take from him.

Snoke thinks that he can take everything away from Ben until he's nothing more than a shell. He couldn't be more wrong. 

Ben seems to be quiet before saying, "The Supreme Leader is wise. And I trust in his wisdom, in his vision."

"Someone like him?" Poe says. "He's a tyrant, Ben -- "

"Because surely the Republic was better," Ben says sarcastically. 

Poe takes a deep breath. "Right. I'm not saying the Republic was any better, but is Snoke really a good alternative?"

"Is it evil that he wants the best for his homeplanet?"

"No," Poe says. "Everything else is, though."

"How is the Resistance any better? They're not exactly the shining paragons of virtue that you think they are."

"I'm not with the Resistance. Just me." Poe wets his lips. "I wanted to find you, not kill you."

"I know." 

There's a pause. 

"You'd think that Snoke would be tearing apart everything to find us both."

Ben is silent. He seems to be taking in the whole idea of Snoke's conspicuous absence. Not even so much as the _Liberator_ shooting out of hyperspace to rain havoc on the medical frigate, not even so much as Snoke demanding to know where Ben is. 

It's like Snoke...

And that just makes Poe angry all over again. How dare he? How dare he treat a precious being like Ben that way? Stars, if Poe had been in charge -- not that he could ever picture himself doing so -- he would have torn apart the galaxy to find Ben. 

But there's the issue, isn't it? Snoke...probably wouldn't know love if it bit him. 

"It just seems too quiet is all."

"He must be disappointed in me."

"Ben..." 

"Because I failed to kill you. Because you defeated me." Ben looks away, and Poe can see the flash of shame in his eyes.

"Do you have anyone in the First Order you can call?"

"Besides my Knights...I don't."

"No one else, truly?"

Ben's voice is quiet. "No."

And Poe hurts for him even more. "Let me help."

"I don't deserve -- "

"Yes, you do." 

And Poe kisses him, lightly, even as he says it. Kisses his cheek, more precisely. Ben laughs, almost giggles, and the sound is sweet to hear. 

"What's the joke?" he says. 

"Your beard," Ben says. "It scratches."

"Yeah. I guess I should shave."

Ben smiles, genuinely smiles. "Either way, even after all these years, you're still beautiful." He grows more somber. "I missed you so. Skywalker never should have separated us."

"He did?"

"He defeated me. I was fully intent on reuniting with you. But he defeated me. I could have taken you with me. I would have given you the galaxy if you asked me."

"I wanted _you_. Not the galaxy, just you."

"Just me?" Ben says. 

"Yeah," Poe says. "Just you."

There's silence, which is interrupted by a droid bringing them both food. Ben picks at his, seeming uncertain as to whether or not to eat the stuff that's there, and Poe can feel his wash of thoughts. _can't afford to be hungry, pure pure must be pure could be poisoned pure must be pure_

"It's not poisoned, Ben."

Ben tentatively nibbles at a bit of fruit before his stomach -- his more flat stomach -- growls loudly. Poe looks over at Ben. "Have you been taking care of yourself? At all?"

"It doesn't matter."

"The fruit's not that bad, Ben. Really."

Poe passes him another piece of fruit, and Ben nibbles, licks at it, tentatively eating it. 

"How does it taste?" Poe says. 

"Better."

Poe thinks of the first time he indulged Ben's desire to be hand-fed, feeding him wildberries from Yavin. It does bring him back to that moment, happier times before it all went so wrong. He watches as Ben digs into a plate of pancakes, and says, "Ben...did Snoke starve you?"

"He didn't," Ben says the moment he finishes part of the pancakes. "I did. To be pure. To be perfect."

"You never had to be." Poe says. "Never."

"Thomas..." Ben's voice cracks. "It was my fault about him. If I'd been quicker -- "

"You were," Poe says. "It was Lisaris and the others' faults. Not yours."

"But I wasn't fast or strong. I never have been. I never was."

Poe holds him close even as Ben all but babbles into his shoulder, and even as tears leak out. Ben isn't outright sobbing, but the tears are there. Poe holds him, and he realizes how much he missed the feeling of Ben in his arms. He holds Ben even as Ben's sorrow is released at last. 

 

 


	9. Father and Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It's later in the day that they get the transmission from the _Millennium Falcon_. Kylo can't help but stiffen even as he gets the news; what will his father even think of him? After everything that he's done, what will his father even think? His father will despise him, and he'd be right to do so. After all he's done, all the murders that he's committed. 

It's at the hangar to the medical frigate that Kylo sees his father's face. He looks like he's aged at least ten years since Kylo last saw him, and yet there's something in his face that brightens the moment he sees Kylo. 

He shouldn't be looking at him like that. Kylo knows full well that he doesn't deserve it. Not after what he's done. Not after everyone he killed. And yet here his father is, with that look of utter relief on his face. 

"Ben," he says. "You're okay."

Something clenches in Kylo's stomach. Ben is not his name. He left that behind a long time ago. Ben deserves to be destroyed, Ben deserves to be dead. 

"I'm...recovering." He doesn't even know what to call his father anymore. Han Solo? Father? Dad? 

His father walks forward --

\--  _and in that moment, Snoke's face looms into view, eyes piercing, dissecting, stormy with fury --_

\-- and Kylo backs away, shrinks away. He almost wishes in this moment he could make himself smaller. Poe's hand is on his arm, quietly comforting. 

"It's okay," his father says. "I won't hurt you."

Kylo already feels sick, feels ridiculous. Here he is, former warlord for the First Order, and now the very thought of the Supreme Leader's face scares him. Makes him sick. 

No one can hurt him now. Kylo only wishes he could believe it. 

"What happened to you?" his father says. "Did he hurt you? Snoke?"

"Yes." That word seems to come from a place in Kylo that isn't conscious, isn't governed by thought but acting out, by instinct.  

"What did he do to you?" his father says. 

Kylo tells him. 

 


	10. Only His

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get a look into Kylo's "training".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: This is more of a flashback chapter. Also, trigger warning for Snoke's treatment of Kylo.

It's during training that the incident happens. Kylo is meditating with the Supreme Leader when the latter stiffens, as if sensing something. 

"It still calls to you," the Leader says. "Even after all this time..." He looks down at Kylo. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you still had attachments."

Snoke walks towards him. Kylo, in that moment, doubts he can feel anything but a sort of immobilizing fear. He doesn't know what Snoke will do to him. He only knows he is afraid. 

"Supreme Leader, I am loyal only to you -- "

"Are you?" says Snoke. "Are you, really? Truly? Even now, the Light calls to you. You are ready to betray me at any moment, are you not?"

"I never -- "

"Liar," Snoke says. "Poor liar at that. The way of the Dark Side is to betray the Master, the way of the Light is to self-righteously fight your opponents. Either option would benefit you. Wouldn't it?"

"Supreme Leader -- "

"Wouldn't it?" Snoke's voice is practically thunderous. 

Kylo Ren feels invisible hands clenching around his throat. They're squeezing, clenching, and he reaches his hands up to wrench those invisible hands off him, but he can't, and they're squeezing relentlessly, and there's no air, by the stars, there's no _air --_

 _Forgive me, dear stars, please forgive me!_ He wants to say it, plead with the Supreme Leader to stop, but the Supreme Leader won't. 

"How dare you?" the Supreme Leader all but hisses. "I would have given you the galaxy if you asked me, and you think to betray me?"

"Supreme Leader, I would never betray you. Never." 

The Supreme Leader narrows his eyes, and it's there that Kylo can feel him all but dissecting him with them. It's there that Kylo can feel him rummaging through his mind, shifting through, and finally, he releases Kylo. 

Kylo rubs his throat gingerly, and he looks up at the Supreme Leader, somehow scared of him, scared of not only what just happened, but what's to come. It's no use getting out, though. He's stuck. He's done terrible things and now this...this is what he deserves. He's lucky the Supreme Leader even spared him. 

"Exactly," says the Supreme Leader, and Kylo knows it isn't just the matter of the near-choking. He's lucky that he has a place to go after what he's done. He truly is. 

And that's the Force's own truth. 


	11. Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han and Poe react.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It's coming back to the present that Kylo can realize that he's safe (relatively, as much as he can be), that he's at least not with the Supreme Leader anymore. He doesn't know how safe he is on this medical frigate, but at least he can see that both Han Solo and Poe Dameron look...shocked? Angry? At whom? 

For him? Surely after what he's done, he's not worth getting outraged _for_. 

Then his father speaks. "I'm going to kill him," he says. "I don't care how, but after what he did to you, kiddo, I'm going to kill him."

"I deserved it."

"No you didn't," his father says. "No one deserves that treatment. Nobody. And you're my boy. That should be obvious, shouldn't it?"

"After what I did -- "

"What you did was wrong. But what Snoke did to you -- that was also wrong. It was evil. I don't care if it was once or a hundred; it's all wrong."

"Exactly," Poe says. 

Kylo bites his lip. He thinks. And then he says, "There was more." So much more. Whether it was Snoke lashing out at Kylo in one of his rages or anything like that, there was so much more. Too much more. 

He tells both Han and Poe about it. Tells them about what Snoke did to him, what he said. He tells them, and all the while, they're in shock. When he's finished, Han says, "How could he?"

"Ben..." Poe's voice is soft all the while. "I would never ever leave you there."

And there's something in Poe where Kylo can believe it. His husband would never, ever leave him. Never. Even after Ben all but left him. Even after Snoke told him that not only did Leia abandon him, but she was intent on replacing him with Poe and Poe was enjoying it. 

Dear stars, he can believe it. 

"I thought everyone had abandoned me."

"They haven't," Poe says. "Believe me on this. They've always been waiting for you and they are never going to leave you."

And here, in that moment, Ben can believe it. 

 


	12. To Give Him The Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Poe argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Kylo's physical wounds have healed, but his emotional wounds are a different story. They still need healing, and on this medical frigate, he doesn't know how necessarily healing it all is. There's something about the medical frigate that just feels lonely. Only his father's company and Poe's really keeps him from going half-mad. Otherwise, it would just be him and the horrible, horrible mistakes he's made.

No, they're not mistakes. Mistakes are something like forgetting your keys or doing something stupid while drunk. Kylo's killed people. Even the knowledge that he tried to make them stand down doesn't make what he's done all right.

It's in a room with a workbench that Kylo works on his shattered lightsaber. He still has the parts from his scavenger hunt with Poe, and the silver crystal from when he was first Knighted. He can still vaguely remember -- vaguely -- his uncle telling him how to put a lightsaber together. This component goes first, then that component. He can remember it from when he was just a youngling, when he first came to the Academy.

Poe comes in. Kylo feels him before he sees him, groggy with sleep. He's not sleepwalking; he's just had a nightmare. A bad one, from what Kylo can tell. "You all right?"

"No." Kylo can't really joke about such things. Not now.

"I know the feeling. I'm not really all right either." Poe stops behind Kylo. "You fixing your lightsaber?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I -- "

"You were defending yourself," Kylo says. "You might as well be apologizing for defending yourself."

"Still, I didn't want to fight you."

"I shouldn't have fought you." Now that he thinks about it, it's almost ironic. He -- no, Ben Solo, he reminds himself, would never have wanted to do anything to hurt Poe. And yet here he is. They're standing in the remains of the duel they had, and though their physical wounds have healed...

"You could have gone with me," Kylo says.

"I couldn't go with the First Order."

"I would have given you the stars."

"Don't you understand?" Poe says. "All the stars in the galaxy...they don't matter. Just you."

The way he looks in that moment reminds Kylo of his grandmother in that moment. _Anakin, all I want is your love._ Is Poe his Padme? 

His grandfather is stronger than him. After his wife's death, he pressed on. Even when his father figure cut off three of his limbs and left him to burn to death, he pressed on. Kylo doesn't know how he would have taken it. 

"I hate Skywalker for taking you from me."

"Taking -- how in any universe is this Luke's fault?" A pause. "Did Snoke tell you this?"

"Do you think I'm no more than the Supreme Leader's puppet? I came to that conclusion on my own."

"You think I would have joined you to try and take over the galaxy?"

"You think the Republic is any better?"

Poe sighs. "It's not. But the First Order isn't going to solve anything. It's not what the galaxy needs."

"The Supreme Leader -- "

" -- is frankly no better than Palpatine," Poe says. "You know the stories. Can you imagine if someone like Snoke was ruling us, or Hux?"

"Would the Republic as it stands now be any better?"

Silence. 

"I don't like either one. I'm not with the Republic, or the Resistance. I am my own man, Ben."

"I believe you."

"And I want to help you."

"I believe that too." Kylo looks away. How is Poe going to save him? How is Poe going to help him? 

Poe walks up to him, puts a hand on his shoulder. "We're going to find a way to fix it," he says. "I promise."

"Are we?"

"We will," Poe says. 

And Kylo can believe him. He doesn't know how he will fix himself, but hopefully...hopefully everything will be all right in the end. 


	13. Liberator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: The Ravager level from KOTOR II and the Star Forge level from KOTOR were pretty heavy influences on this chapter. The scene where Kylo, Han and Poe pilot a shuttle onto the Liberator was influenced by the cutscene in KOTOR II where the Exile, Visas and Mandalore do the same. *Sighs* Here's to KOTOR becoming canon again! (Impossible as the possibility is)

It's in the morning that Poe tells him about the nightmare. It's about one of his missions in terms of finding Kylo, when he'd gotten into fights in order to find him. Kylo can't help but be impressed, be moved actually -- Poe did all this, all of this, to find him?

Him, of all beings. Surely he's not worth this much.

"Poe," he says.

"You're worth everything," Poe says. "Everything in the galaxy."

And for the moment, Kylo can believe it. He can believe that he means everything to Poe, that Poe still loves him after all this time. 

They're interrupted in that moment by a voice over the loudspeakers. "All occupants of this ship evacuate. The _Liberator_ has come out of hyperspace. I repeat, the _Liberator_ has come out of hyperspace, and it has plenty more ships with it."

Poe turns to look at Kylo. "Isn't that -- ?"

"It's the Supreme Leader's ship."

Kylo knows that ship too well. And yet he knows that the reason that the Supreme Leader's come out of hyperspace isn't because he wants to save Kylo. He wants to kill Poe Dameron. And that...

Kylo doesn't know if he can allow Poe to die, actually. 

So they, with Han, get aboard the shuttle. Only they're not headed out with the others. They're headed towards the _Liberator_. 

Kylo doesn't know what he's expecting the Supreme Leader to do. He's not expecting the Supreme Leader to simply not kill Poe. He'll do it, and that...that Kylo doubts he can bear. 

That's the only reason that he's really going on this reckless mission in the first place. To save Poe. 

To help him. 

They pilot the shuttle through the fleet, and in that moment, Kylo wishes that he had Bastila Shan's legendary Battle Meditation. If she were here, she would be able to steer them through safely. But they don't have that power, and so they have to mostly rely on instinct. The shuttle doesn't exactly have turrets to shoot back at the fleet. So they're on their own. 

They make their way back to the _Liberator_ , and it's there that they board it. The stormtroopers shoot back, but Poe, Kylo and Han cut them down with ease. 

Cutting them down is almost too easy. 

It's standing in the torn bodies of stormtroopers that Kylo Ren wonders if there's plenty more to come. Of course there is. He doubts in that moment that they and the Supreme Leader can both survive. The Supreme Leader, over Naboo, is more than willing to kill them. 

The bridge is straight ahead. They have to fight through more stormtroopers, Praetorian Guards and other soldiers to get there, but they're more than competent fighters. It's nothing Kylo hasn't, unfortunately, done before. 

And it's there that he feels Snoke's fury hit him like a blast of fire. He grips his head, his fingers digging into his temples, and it's there that Poe runs to him. 

"Ben!" he says. "It's okay. It's okay. You're okay. What's happening?"

"He's angry," Kylo says. "With you. And with me. Me for my failure, and you for...what you've done."

Poe nods. "The feeling's mutual," he says. "After everything he did to you, I'm looking forward to giving him what he deserves."

"Same here," Han says. "Justice would be putting a blasterbolt through his brain."

Kylo doesn't know how to feel. In the end, he says, "I'll kill him. If necessary. To protect Poe."

"I know." Poe says. 

He embraces Kylo tightly, and Kylo swears he can feel Snoke's presence, that horrible, scorching presence, abate a bit. Like with Poe by his side, he can do anything. 

Poe draws away, and nods. "Come on," he says. "Let's give Snoke what he deserves."

They head towards the door, open it, and confront the wave of stormtroopers on the other side. 

 


	14. Snoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our trio confront Snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It’s when all three of them have plowed through the Praetorian guards that they turn towards each other. Outside, the Resistance fleet has come out of hyperspace over Naboo, and is engaging the First Order in battle. 

The three men turn to look at one another, and Kylo already knows what lies beyond that door. The Supreme Leader. He knows full well that the Supreme Leader will break them, one by one, and he says, “You don’t have to come with me.”

”For you, Ben,” Poe says, “We’d do anything.”

Han nods. “That bastard hurt you,” he says, “But he’s not going to hurt you again. I promise, Ben.”

Kylo takes a deep breath. The very idea of walking into the throne room is intimidating, but to save Poe...

To save Poe, he’d do it. 

They open the door. Behind it is chaos — the Supreme Leader has his hand extended and a Resistance soldier is floating in the air. Snap. Kylo can recognize him from when he was first dating (though the word “dating” feels like an understatement) Poe. One of Poe’s squad mates. Poe looks horrified in that moment, and shoots. 

The Supreme Leader has to block the shot, and Snap falls to the ground. He gets up, runs towards the exit at Poe’s encouragement, and the three of them are alone in the throne room with Supreme Leader Snoke. 

“You,” The Supreme Leader’s voice is all but smoking with fury and hatred. Kylo can feel it, scorching, blistering heat, like Jakku. “You fool. You should not have come back here.”

Han steps in in that moment. “Leave him alone.”

”Han Solo,” says the Supreme Leader. “Touching. Going to defend your son? I thought that after all this time, you and your mate forgot him.”

Kylo’s insides turn to ice even as he looks from the Supreme Leader to his father. 

“We never did,” Han says. 

“Perhaps you didn’t. But what of your wife? She wanted to replace him with Poe Dameron, didn’t she?”

Silence. Kylo already feels like he’s sinking into quicksand. Even looking up at Supreme Leader Snoke, he already feels a sick sort of dread. 

Poe speaks up in that moment. “I came out here to save him,” he says. “Not that you would know anything about that.” Silence. “This all ends here, Snoke, with your death.”

”You are pathetic,” Snoke says. “A fraud pretending to be a hero. You claim to be one of the heroes, and yet you feed off anger and hate. You’re just like your idol’s Resistance — a hypocrite to the last.”

”I’m with me and mine,” Poe says. “And frankly, I think we’ve all heard enough.” He turns to Kylo. “Ready?”

Kylo ignites his lightsaber. Snoke looks down at him in fury. “So even you betray me, in the end.”

”If I have to,” Kylo says. 

He doesn’t know what side he’s on. Perhaps what Poe said is the truth; he is on the side of him and his loved ones. And that’s enough. 

“To the death, then,” Snoke says. “Yours.”

He draws his lightsaber, ignites it, and the battle begins. 

 


	15. Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Snoke is defeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Kylo Ren is no slouch as a duelist, but he’s not exactly that good either. After all, Supreme Leader Snoke has been practicing for centuries, even before Kylo was born. And yet Kylo swears that his father’s and Poe’s blaster bolts are already cutting through the Supreme Leader’s defenses. He still fights, of course, but Kylo has a feeling that in between trying to fend off Poe’s blaster bolts and Han’s blaster bolts, the Supreme Leader is taxed. 

Eventually, Kylo feels himself being lifted up into the air. The lightsaber falls from his hand, and he feels like his whole body is on fire. 

“I’m disappointed in you, Kylo Ren,” Snoke says. “You couldn’t kill Poe Dameron, he beat you, and now you think that you can take me down. You think that you can defeat me? You’re not strong enough, not good enough. You never were.”

Kylo can’t argue. The Supreme Leader is right. The Supreme Leader is right about everything. 

It’s there that the blaster goes off. Han’s blaster, then one of Poe’s grenades. Kylo falls, and even looking up at the Supreme Leader, he sees that Poe’s grenade has sufficiently knocked him back, as has the blaster bolts. Kylo gets up, charges at him, letting his anger fuel him. His lightsaber cleaves through the Supreme Leader’s, splits it in half. 

He stands over the Supreme Leader, who’s looking up at him in disbelief. Then, “Impossible. You are weak. You are nothing. You could never beat me.”

”You shouldn’t have underestimated me then,” Kylo says. The lightsaber trembles in his hand,  and all he hears is every time the Supreme Leader hurt and humiliated him. Finally, he stabs the Supreme Leader through the heart. 

The Supreme Leader looks up at him in shock, and Kylo feels it as well. He hadn’t thought he would ever do that, and yet here he is. To protect Poe, to avenge himself — if he’s chosen the Dark, at least it is for a good cause. 

The Supreme Leader slumps to the floor, and Kylo withdraws his lightsaber. He doesn’t know who he is now. Perhaps he is his own man, and he can choose however he will. 

He deactivates his lightsaber and runs to Poe, as Poe runs to him and hugs him tightly. He feels the first inkling of tears spring to his eyes in that moment, and then they start streaming down his face. What has he done? Was it — ?

”It’s all right, Ben,” Poe says. “You’re safe now. I love you. I love you so much.”

Kylo withdraws to look at Poe, beautiful and caring and an angel to him as much as Poe calls him his angel. ”I know.”


End file.
